What’s “Out There” is also What's “In Here”
This past Monday, I spiraled into an emotional black hole. I believe it has been building up due to my own “spiritual ego”. I haven’t wanted to deal with my negative emotions that have been simmering under the surface, triggered by the recent political situation, specifically the Muslim ban. Simmering since last November, I haven’t wanted to look at these feelings inside of me because they frighten me and cause me to feel powerless. Instead, I want to believe and feel that I create my own reality which is one of joy, love, and compassion. My negative emotions are shadows of me that my “spiritual ego” wants to deny. This “spiritual ego” questions how could I, being on a spiritual path toward evolving in a heart based consciousness, in a unity based consciousness, harbor my own negative feelings brought on by politics? How can I harbor negative feelings toward our president and be unwilling to accept that I have friends, and perhaps family that support the Muslim ban?
I admit that Monday I read USA Today, I watched ABC news on TV, and yes, I perused my Facebook timeline. I should know better. I have come to realize that I am an “empath”, which is not necessarily a good thing. I am deeply affected by others’ pain because I can literally feel their pain in my body. It is more than feeling compassion for another, it is literally taking on their energy as my own. So, I know that it is important for me to manage my energy and support my emotional well being by limiting my exposure to mass media and all forms of entertainment that emphasize violence, pain, and suffering . For those of you empaths out there who may not even be aware of your sensitivities, it is certainly something to take note of for your emotional/physical well being. Carrying other people’s pain as your own without even realizing it can definitely increase your stress levels, create anxiety, and result in imbalances in the body which increases the likelihood of disease.
This cauldron of negative emotions that had already been simmering within me was coming to a boil. Last Monday morning, that emotional pot began to boil over. I felt an incredible heaviness in my physical body and in my heart. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I tried to shake the feeling, tried to shut my “eyes”. But NO! I was being called to feel what I didn’t want to feel. My spiritual ego wondered how could I, who in my heart knows that we are all One, have these negative feelings towards others? My pot of negative emotions was boiling over. I was angered, and disillusioned that “we” (the collective conscious) could do such a heartless act against our fellow human beings in the name of protection and safety. NO!!!!!, this is not for our safety.
I felt within me a thick, dark, molten, hot rage. And then, I dared to look at and feel what was spewing forth, flowing out from this darkness. I dared to “see” the shadows that had been simmering in the dark, the negative emotions that were lurking, that were weighing down my heart. This is what I see and feel when I look at the world outside of me, yet it was coming from within me!
I called out disgust, anger, disillusionment, disempowerment, denial, betrayal, sorrow, blaming, shock, anxiety, hopelessness, lack of control, shame, hatred, dread, grief, failure. I cursed the “unconscious” people who allowed this current disastrous political situation to ever happen. I called them all out, as I stood in my self righteous judgement of those “unconscious others”. It was their fault that I was feeling this way! There was a battle brewing within me between light and shadow, peace and war, love and hate. And this battle within me was a reflection of what I was seeing outside of me, in this country, in this world.
I hated the feeling that was attached to each emotion. I resented the heaviness I felt in my physical body and energetically in my heart space. I was ashamed that I was harboring these emotions, because those emotions were identical to the emotions “out there” that triggered these emotions “in here”! Oh, indeed my “spiritual ego” was conjuring up all these self judgements. Yet something started to shift within me as I acknowledged each and every negative emotion. As I honored and recognized these shadow parts of me that I didn’t want to admit to, or look at ,or deal with, I began to feel lighter and more peaceful. As I acknowledged and allowed each negative emotion to rear its dark face, I began to feel the dissolving of judgement into peace. Over the next couple of days, I could absolutely feel a shift. Going to my book club that evening where we focused our collective energy on world peace enabled me to continue to process my negative emotions. I found myself focusing on the higher vibrational emotions like joy, love and peace. I could feel myself becoming more grounded, more centered, and more connected to my own truth. That Truth is complete and unconditional Love for All That I Am including my negative emotions. I am a spiritual being living a human experience in a world of duality. I am both light and shadow. Evolving is honoring the shadow parts of me and bringing them into wholeness within the light. I truly believe, that as each one of us does the inner work, then the outer world will reflect wholeness and peace.
A few days later, I sat down to do some automatic writing to try to process the deeper meaning of my most recent awakening. And isn’t an awakening really seeing something through the eyes of love and light? This was such a powerful experience for me, I feel compelled to share a few excerpts here from my “automatic writing”. Automatic writing is a way to channel or access your “Higher Self,” and through your guides, connect to the Divine, the “All That Is”. What I write comes from my Divine Self, my Highest Truth, and for me, it is very revealing and always loving.
Hello, Kathleen, Just take a breath and begin to write. So much you contemplate and try to fit it all into some meaning and pattern. You struggle to figure it out. You judge yourself for not being “awakened enough”. You judge your emotions of anger, and yes, even hatred. They are odious to you. Yet, we tell you this. Welcome them all into your heart space. They are all part of the grand tapestry. …..
When you judge an emotion as not being “Christian”, you miss the point of the “Christ”. The “Christ is all encompassing, all inclusive, the shadow and the light. When you stand in judgement of the shadows that you perceive in the world outside you, you are judging the shadow/light within you. Come Home to your wholeness within. Through the honoring of the light and shadow within, they become a unified creative force for healing.”
Accepting and honoring the shadow gives rise to an unconditional love and compassion for all who are on this human journey. The shadow allows the light to shine. How would we see the light without the dark? How would we see the light of the stars without the darkness of the night? Can we look at the night sky and say, “I don’t want to see the dark, only the light of the brightest stars?” Can we say that only the stars reflect Divine Creation and not the darkness which enables the light to shine? We certainly do not see the stars during daylight. The brilliance of the stars come during the darkest time of night. It is in the beauty of the dark night where starlight shines in all its magnificence.
I certainly don’t claim to understand how the tapestry of the human condition is woven together with light and dark threads. But, for me the night sky is a metaphor for the light and dark aspects within each and every one of us. The shadow within me has purpose and is essential in allowing my light to shine brightly. I am learning to welcome the darkness Home.