Shame is Veiled under the Guise of Perfectionism
Hello My Dear Friends,
I’ve been off the grid for quite sometime. I’ve been experiencing what some would call the void, dark night of the soul, creative block... all referring to my being lost within myself.
In this blog, I will attempt to describe my journey through a period of darkness and out to the other side. I believe we all have these periods in our lives. My story can be completely different from yours, a different situation, a different experience, a different trigger, a different block and yet it can still resonate with you. The specifics can differ, yet the negative emotions we all share can be trapped inside the void. We rarely see the gift of the void until we’re out of it.
I believe that I am coming out the other side stronger and with more clarity and greater self awareness. Most importantly, I have greater self love, self compassion and self acceptance. This is the gift I wish to share with you.
My void was connected to a medical problem that I was experiencing. This was nothing grave, rather, it was extremely annoying, frustrating, confusing, and enduring for over 6 weeks. I have a very good relationship with my medical doctor, and in this case, I agreed to take a drug that she was insistent that I take. My intuition was telling me "NO", but my mental mind was telling me "she’s the doctor, she’s the authority, she knows best." I took the drug, and 3 days later had an immediate negative reaction, causing more physical problems. The physical problems continued on and off for a month, even after I had stopped the drug, on the doctor's recommendation. A month later, the doctor advised me to try again at 1/2 the dose. Again, my intuition said "NO", but I deferred to her better judgement as she is the “knowledgeable one”... the “authority” on medications. Needless to say, I had an immediate negative reaction, which led to further physical problems. Throughout this time period I felt confused, angry, frustrated, doubtful, blaming, victimized, resentful and powerless. I blamed myself for giving my power away to the doctor and not listening to my intuition. These feelings were also directed at the doctor, and at the situation. All of these negative emotions made me feel like I was trapped in darkness, spinning around in a void from which I couldn’t seem to escape. Of course, underlying all of this was fear.
I felt blocked from hearing my guides, I felt blocked from even sitting down to connect with my guides as I so often do through automatic writing. My negative emotions and negative thoughts were preventing me from “hearing”. I felt that these physical issues were clearly “getting in the way” of my spiritual journey. I blamed my body for letting me down. I take good care of myself, eat healthy, and exercise. I do everything I can to support my body. I have very high expectations of my physical body because of the care I give it, and yet it was letting me down. Why was I experiencing this physical problem? Nothing was making sense. I felt betrayed, angry, scared, and yes, doubtful of my higher guidance. I didn’t feel I could access spiritual wisdom because I was too involved with my physical self.
I felt a deep inner conflict between my physical body and my spiritual Higher Self. This compounded my feelings of loss and disconnection with my Higher Self. This "perceived" disconnection increased my feelings of self judgement, self criticism, and self blame, all held against my physical body. I blamed my body for blocking my connection to Source/my Higher Self, higher guidance, which I was always able to count on and very easily connect into. I was feeling self disgust for my physical body even more so because I blamed it for “side tracking” me on my spiritual journey. I even felt like a hypocrite. Here I am, an Emotion/Body Code healer, and yet I couldn’t even access my own inner guidance. I did NOT like dealing with these physical issues.
I felt intolerant, impatient, judgmental, angry, powerless, ashamed, and fearful when my body didn’t come up to my strict standards of “perfectionism”. It fell short of my high expectations, in spite of my doing everything in my power to control it. My perfectionism created this out of proportion emotional response to my medical problem.
The good news is that I finally was nudged enough by my spirit guides to sit down and receive guidance from the Higher Self, the higher perspective, which I “couldn’t/ didn’t" want to receive. For weeks, I was in such a low vibration that I blocked myself from receiving this wisdom. I was never disconnected from spirit, it was my ego blocking it.
So, I share with you a few excerpts from my automatic writings.
“Hello our dear Kathleen,
We honor you on your journey as you are a way shower of light……
So, let us talk to you about “shame” and “perfectionism.” Your “perfectionism” of your physical body is a standard of judgement which you are using to demean yourself, to judge yourself, to tell yourself that “YOU” are not good enough.
This effort to be perfect turns you “away” from the sweet, innocent child within. If she is not perfectly behaved, perfect in grades, perfect physically, you will not love her.
Kathleen, dearest One, she continues to cry out for your approval and love, “even when” things “appear” imperfect, which to her means bad, never good enough.
You are using the imperfections of the physical body to shame the “one” who inhabits this body, the one who is the life and spirit of your physical body.
We tell you, as you feel shame about your physical state, whether it be in form of appearance on the outside, or dis-ease on the inside, something going “wrong” with your body, you are telling yourself, “shame on you”. This pure innocent child within you hears that.
She feels the withdrawing of your love and acceptance. Yes, your physical body also feels this, but most importantly, it is the innocent child who still hears words of shame, not good enough, unacceptable, wrong, not up to standards, helpless, and powerless.
She feels them whether you consciously articulate the words or not, for it is the vibration of those words that you are conveying from your mental mind. Your compassionate heart would never radiate those vibrations. You so easily feel compassion for another’s physical pain or disease. Yet still for yourself you hold on to terror, doubt, judgement, and separation. So we ask you to shine your light on your own physical body with love, acceptance, courage, trust, patience, and kindness, all the qualities that you so generously share with others who see themselves as less than “perfect”.
This “perfectionism” that the ego demands is completely different from “wholeness”. The body is aligned, connected with "All of life". Life force energy flows through it, and in this, the body is whole, complete, perfect. Your body is a sacred vessel of your life force, your “I Am” presence. In that it is perfect. Yet its form is not. For its form is a temporary sacred chamber. Honor this chamber, but do not revere it, for its power is from the spirit that resides within it and flows through it. When this spirit, your God force energy, leaves the body, the form is like an “old shell”, as The Little Prince described it.
And so, we love you so very much and are so pleased that you now have a much deeper understanding and higher consciousness of how you are using the physical symptoms of the body to call out the shame which you hold not only from this life, but from many lives, timelines, where the physical body was used as an object of shame and humiliation…. many lives where your physical body was used by others to determine your worth or lack of it…. lives where your physicality was connected with shame, fear, terror, powerlessness. But this is not the truth of who you are.
You understand now, dear Kathleen. Call back the child in all those timelines. She is you. Let the dear sweet one know that she is loved and accepted without conditions based upon the state of your physical body.
We tell you again how much we love you. Trust, allow, receive, and surrender into our loving, healing light, which is always connected with you.
We are your spirit guides and your Family of Light.
Things definitely took a turn for the better after this. I did get the physical support medically that I needed to address the issue. But, more importantly, I could look back and see the lesson and indeed the gift for me that was in all of this.
From my heart to yours,