I’d been meditating recently about “free will” and “surrender”. They seem to be opposites. It would seem that I give up my freedom when I “surrender” and that I’m surrendering my will power. To whom and what am I really surrendering?
As always, words are powerful for me. I feel the energy behind the words. So, upon examination with my mental mind, I could feel the resistance to that word “surrender”. I didn’t like it. It didn’t resonate with my mental mind. It seemed like it was equivalent to giving up. Yet, if I dropped down from my mental mind into my heart consciousness, there was a softness, a gentleness that wasn’t at all connected to my mental mind, my free “will”.
So, the answer to the question posed in the opening, to whom was I surrendering and what was I surrendering, began to form as I tuned into my heart space. The heart is always the center of our truth, our essence. The heart chakra is also where I feel the connection with my Higher Self, the aspect of me that is Divine and that is always connected to the truth of who I Am and as a unique expression of the Divine Source of All that Is.
I have known the power and comfort that comes when I fully connect with my Higher Self. There is a sense of peace in knowing that I am divinely guided and that all is well. More fully embodying and integrating the Higher Self into my daily life is my practice and intention on a daily basis. When my mental mind starts trying to figure things out, I know my “will" has taken over. So, as I was meditating, I felt the full presence of my Higher Self. I was at peace with the deep deep knowing that my Higher Self is always guiding me to my highest and best good. I choose to be in alignment with this spirit, presence, divine guidance, whatever other terms one could use for the Highest aspect of me.
Below is an excerpt from my channeled writing through my guides in reference to “free will”. After I channeled it and went back to read it, I didn’t really get it. But, the next day, during my meditation I was still contemplating it, and that is when the imagery and the sensory experience of the dance was presented to me. It follows this channeled excerpt.
“Hello our dear Kathleen.
Yes, you feel the freedom that is yours and has always been so. This is the freedom to choose, to choose; this is what is meant by free will. Free will was never meant to enslave you or limit you. It was meant for you to freely choose all that is yours- abundance, love, joy, peace passion, creativity, self awareness.. All these are yours- they come into manifestation only as you use your free will to choose them. Of course, you are also free to choose the limiting shadows that cause you to sit in fear and limiting beliefs that imprison you. Free will is a magnificent expression of the Divine. You are free to limit yourself or free to embrace all the gifts that are yours to receive. But, first you must be aware that you are free to choose. This is the gift of the present moment- the choice is available in each and every moment.
Free will is always connected to the present, whether you are consciously choosing, or unconsciously choosing based on fears and limiting beliefs. So, we call your attention to the words, “free will”. The will is truly the servant of your “freedom”. The will is the energy that follows the freedom. You are always free to connect into that space of freedom, and then to “will” or choose what you so desire. You are free to desire anything. Your heart’s desire will align you with your authentic truth, your Higher Self. The mind’s desire will align you with doubts, fears, lack of trust, limiting beliefs.
So, dear One, we invite you to really experience “free” will. That spaciousness before will, before choice is the present moment of freedom. Access this freedom through your heart, before the choice, before the will. We invite you to breathe into that freedom, rest within it, be it, for that is who you are. From there, you “will” know the “choice”.
In a state of meditation, I began to see and feel the expression of this union of me, the human me with my Higher Self. I share the imagery and feelings of “to dance with spirit” ( which is referring to my partnership and integration of the Higher Self) as a metaphor for this union. I use the pronoun, he, simply for the imagery of a dance partner, but I would prefer spirit which is ageless, timeless, genderless. The following is what I saw and felt so strongly, it was as if I had been experiencing this in another dimension.
To Dance with Spirit:
This dance partner, who is the highest version of me, has been my guide my entire life. He knows my every move… watches over me from the highest perspective as I stumble and soar through the dance of life. My Higher Self knows every step of the dance of life, and only waits to be invited into partnership with me.
The true dance really begins in that moment of awareness, that moment when I realize that I don’t have to be dancing this alone. I am free to invite in my Higher Self, my Divine Self to partner with me.
Of course this means then that I choose to surrender into the arms of the Higher Self. It means that I surrender into the trust and faith that my partner has a perfect knowing of me, of all aspects of me. He sees all of me through the eyes of grace. He sees my stumbles, my missteps, my self criticism… the times when I have felt so heavy that I couldn’t get my feet to move forward on the dance floor, the times when I was so scared to take that jump into the air. So many times he saw me feeling alone and scared on that dance floor. All the other dancers were around me, yet I felt alone, not as good as the other dancers, not understanding my part or contribution to the dynamic of the dance. He saw me when the underlying fear and anxiety were so strong that I became dizzy, unbalanced, whirling out of control. I’d try with all my might to “will” myself back into control of my thoughts, my body, my negativity, my self judgements. And so I would try, try again. I couldn’t understand why I was thinking, feeling this way. But, I simply felt disconnected, from what/whom, I couldn’t say, in those moments where I would land with a thump on the floor. Or even when I had the courage to take that jump, who would catch me? Would I land ok on my own 2 feet? All these thoughts and feelings could happen in a split second or they could go on and on for however long my “will” would run with them.
And then there comes the miraculous moment when I just stop. As if from a distance behind me, I hear the whisper of my Higher Self calling me, inviting me to partner with him. And in that moment I say yes. I freely choose now, here in this moment to invite you in, completely, totally, fully. I surrender into the dance with you. I am co-creating the movements of the dance as you move in unison with me. Before each and every movement I surrender into that moment when I know that you are there to lift me up, to support me as I take my leap of faith. You are there to catch me, you are there always in unison with me. We flow as one. We are one. The steps come alive now. I trust in my creative expression, for I know in my heart that I am held and supported by my beautiful spirit partner. There is nothing I can’t do. My partner has such unconditional love for me, such non judgement, there are no false steps.
This freedom that is felt before each step, the lightness, the trust, the perfect balance, the passion, the joy of the dance, the security and confidence… all of this I feel before each and every step, jump, leap. I surrender into that deep connection with my partner. I allow the dance to unfold, as each next step contributes to the tapestry of the whole dance.
I am in alignment with the flow of the dance because I surrender into the trusted guidance of my partner. And so the dance flows with ease and grace. I am aware now of my unity with the other dancers… I am confident in my role and my contribution to the whole of the dance, and I also understand now that I am only responsible for my part of the dance. I cannot control the others. I can encourage and support them in the same way that I am supported by my own partner. I can shine my light and demonstrate what it’s like to partner with the Higher Self, what it’s like to dance with ease and grace. And even though we haven’t finished the whole of the dance, I have a deep, deep knowing that we are in perfect balance and unity, and it will all come together in the end.
Sometimes, I’m on that dance floor, and I’ll admit, I forget to call in my partner to dance with me. And those feelings arise in me again: the fear, anxiety, self doubt, anger even. I might look at those around me and think they’re not doing it right… they’re messing up the whole dance. Or, I’m doing it “right”, what’s wrong with them? My ego takes over, the judgements begin again, and I lose the vision of how it all fits together. I lose trust in myself and those around me.
And then, I hear the whisper again. I hear my partner calling me. Yet, I know that he can not come into the dance unless I invite him in. For we are born unto this earth with free will. I am free to choose. And again, I invite him in, and oh, how my balance changes. My perspective changes. I remember what it’s like to surrender into those loving arms. How gently I am led and supported. I feel that connection, the oneness, the ease, the flow, the beauty and joy of the dance.
In each moment in this dance of life, we have the freedom of choice to consciously call in the Higher Self. We must remember to consciously partner with our Divine Self in the unique expression and contribution of our beauty, our light, our dance.